Off The Road, Again

A real Dean Moriarty, I've been having to do a lot of driving recently. And I mean a lot--500 miles one way, once a week through the great state of South Carolina--starting on the coast, heading up through the midlands and landing in the mountains.

Even with all the diverse scenery to take in, recently, I've been opting for a fuller "down South" experience. So, wherever possible, I have tuned my dial to the local country music station.

Now...I'm terriﬁed.

Not because of all the God-lovin', gun-fearin' racial intolerance. After all, Brad Paisley and LL Cool J have already solved that little issue for us.

I'm terriﬁed, you see, because almost every song I hear on country music radio has someone, somewhere breaking major road rules. Whouda thunk that the part of the country that loves NASCAR the absolute most would be so absolutely unsafe behind the wheel?

To wit, buckle up and get a good grip--10 and 2--on the handle, because this is a crash course on how the cowfolk are turning our open roads into their own personal rodeos.

Everyone gets road rage. That's easy to understand. But it's not rednecks seeing red that bothers me. It's when these emotional wrecks are raining tears and driving way too fast for conditions.

Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift should care a little more about the safety of others. Because the highway, sure as hell, does not. Tim's new hit, apropos "The Highway Don't Care," has Taylor so wrapped up in whatevs breakup-of-the-week just happened, that she's none too concerned about such things as speed limits.

Here's hoping that dead cell phone she's been using--while driving!--is the only casualty of the night.

But let's not spend all our time picking on poor Tay; she's had it rough enough. Curse you for breaking her heart, Mr. __________.

Let us, then, take a page out of T's book and pass some blame on over to B. Shelton. Blake's 2008 song, "She Wouldn't Be Gone," has him "driving like hell" and crying like a baby, all while using his cell behind the wheel.

Poor M. Lambert.

As if 18-wheelers weren't scary enough, themselves, Darius Rucker's "Wagon Wheel" hears the former Blowfish frontman smoking weed in da big rig.

Woah, rock me gently, Hootie.

Turns out this sort of thing has been going on for years. Old Crow Medicine Show have an eerily similar tale from ten years ago.

Objects in the mirror are, well, they just must not be that important.

Save for maybe Paula, no one truly wants to live in the past. Regardless, there are some times where we need to look back and reﬂect on the things behind us--like when we're speeding down the interstate, for instance.

Brantley Gilbert and Jo Dee Messina have a different point of view, however, when it comes to hindsight. In fact, Gilbert's "More Then Miles" has him ﬂat-out-refusing to look in his rear view.

Meanwhile, the missus Messina's "Bye Bye" sees her Southern stubbornness going further still, as she literally rips the rear view mirror from her windshield. I mean, how else is it going to rise again?

And if that isn't enough to keep y'all off the highways and bi-ways, then please do heed the following: Randy Travis is still out there, and he's reckonin' why there aren't more wooden crosses on the side of the road.