Rebecca Hagelin, former vice prez of The Heritage Foundation, has written an article in response to the Boy Scouts' decision to allow out-of-the-closet gays into the Scouts. Reviews are in and OFFBEAT deems the comically homophobic masterpiece F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!
SPOILER ALERT: Hagelin says awesome things like "betrayed" and "morals" a lot.
Things start out from a totally reasonable point of view. Mrs. Hagelin wants to share some perspective on what a disaster actually is. The lamestream media was intent on covering those silly tornadoes in Oklahoma, which occurred the same week as Mrs. Hagelin's professed tragedy:
"This past week has been pretty devastating for me as a long-time supporter of the Boy Scouts."
Rebecca is absolutely devastated here, you guys. So a few Okies lost some of their crap (e.g. houses and lives), and the entire nation--certainly not just the handful of gay kids that actually want to be Scouts--were affected by this:
"My heart is broken to realize that the finest institution for young men our country has ever known has grown cowardly, and has disappeared into the great vast wasteland that is modern popular culture."
[Italics, mine.]
Sure, that makes sense. Keep saying cool stuff like that, and let me know how this whole thing started:
"It was brought about by the strong-arm pressure tactics of the homosexual lobby using the contrived protests of a few members for symbolic effect."
And that totally makes sense. Everyone knows that gay men have limp wrists, but very strong arms. Morgan Freeman said something about that on Through the Wormhole. ("Wormhole," btw, is waaay too dirty a word for Rebecca to say).
And as far as the "protests of a few members" thing goes, everyone knows that if there is one thing the gays are terrible at, it's event planning (i.e. gorgeous weddings and extravagant parties).
Hagelin goes on to describe the risks this poses to the organization--chiefly, tolerance and acceptance:
"Council members assert the fiction that their decision is not a statement about the morality of homosexuality, but merely a compassionate decision to open wide the doors of scouting to even boys that reject scouting's core values."
Oh. My. God! If the doors that are opening widely are back doors, Rebecca will freak the frack out, guys. Leave it to Rebecca, though, to finger what's really to blame for this decision:
"Declining corporate contributions (again, because of pressure tactics), shrinking membership numbers, and changing public positions on homosexuality."
And she couldn't be more right. Corporations are to blame because they didn't donate enough to lobbyists. Now, not lobbyists to congress...but lobbyists to the 1,200 Boy Scout members who voted.
And, of course, the shrinking membership numbers are to blame because that's just how percentages work.
Rebecca can't resist taking one more stab at the powerful ("power top," in their terms) gay rights groups:
"Just when our culture needs courageous voices to uphold traditional standards of morality, the Boy Scouts have chosen instead to appease the insatiable demands of homosexual pressure groups."
And those demands are pretty insatiable. I've already heard rumors that they plan on using our water fountains and the front doors of businesses (even Maurice's BBQ in Columbia, S.C.).
Hagelin closes the letter with a desperate plea to all Scouts to write down their memories of what it was like before this dreadful decision. Because once the gays arrive, things are going to get all Mad Max on our a$$e$.
The gays will assimilate quickly and destroy everything--even the written word. History of the Scouts will have to be passed down orally, which has probably been their sick plan this entire time.
Yes, not even a person's own memories are safe from being tainted. (Sorry, 'Becca.) They'll keep these little reminders of what life was like before chaos ruled the land.
The sun itself will die, which will make hiding their writings easier in the Fahrenheit 451-like apocalypse, to which we have all surely been doomed.
Listen up, bro:
"And to all former scouts--especially the Eagles--I urge you to write down your own treasured scouting memories so that you can share with your own kids one day what it was like when the Boy Scouts of America stood for principle and truth."
From the great vast wasteland that is modern popular culture,
Former Scout Jonathan Lambert
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