Offbeat's weekly Horoscope, where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, temptatious Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-head Libra, sensuous Scorpio and the skilled Sagittarius go to get the mostly timely and accurate astrological divinations.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Winter is coming, but not for your ass. Your DVR will inexplicably disintegrate from the inside out. Stockhausen says: "Don't worry, it's going to be yonks before the White Walkers actually do anything."
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Good news: your teenage daughter isn't pregnant. The MRI will show that's just a tapeworm in there. Stockhausen says: "And for a minute there, you guys were really worried."
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Your kids' hermit crab is an aquatic jihadist who has weaponized the West Nile Virus in order to liberate crab kind. Stockhausen says: "Worse yet, your kids are definitely a part of this."
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
This week a human finger will be found in the break room creamer at work, but the sugar will still be mostly fine. Stockhausen says: "I already told you not to drink that sh*t last week."
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
You will finally win your battle with body dysmorphia only to realize that it's really your face that's all wrong anyways. Stockhausen says: "Do eat or don't eat, you still look like a troll with a learning disorder."
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
No one sees themselves the way that other people see them. Unless you're convinced you're a complete A-hole, in which case you're actually spot on. Stockhausen says: "At least, now you know."
Leo: July 23 - August 22
It's weird because no matter how hard you diet, your cankles are going to just keep getting bigger and bigger. Stockhausen says: "It could be worse. Imagine how your shoes feel."
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Don't worry about the uncontrollable paranoia. Everyone's already watching you to make sure you don't freak out. Stockhausen says: "They can see you right now."
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Don't attend your company's team building retreat, whatever you do. Or you will reveal something about yourself during an ice breakers game that will haunt you forever. Stockhausen says: "How do you even know about that kind of stuff...pervert. "
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Don't worry, you will eventually get better at parenting, but not next week. Next week will be more of a learning experience...for everyone. Stockhausen says: "Remember to save money for their therapy, as well as their college funds."
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Do yourself a favor and buy a new grill, before you ruin the upcoming barbeque, as well as your neighbors' lives. Stockhausen says: "Some wounds literally never heal."
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