Offbeat's weekly Horoscope, where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, temptatious Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-head Libra, sensuous Scorpio, skilled Sagittarius go to get the mostly timely and accurate astrological divinations.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Your hair will fall out. Your kids will grow to resent you. Everything in you life will very slowly--day by day--drip by drip--lose meaning for you, until the day you meet you inevitable end. Stockhausen says: "Mazel tov!"
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Your hopes and dreams will be relentlessly broken down by the constant disappointment and compromise that is life--leaving you nothing more than an illusion filled with allusions of the beautiful person you once were. Stockhausen says: "Just like your father."
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Your kids aren't really yours...and your doctor is liar. Stockhausen says: "Thats why their eyes don't look like anybody's fathers'."
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Not only is your boss stealing all your ideas without ever promising to promote you...he's actively trying to kill you. Stockhausen says: "Never drink the coffee in the break room--ever."
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
All the joys of your life are years behind you, but good news: you've got at least another hundred years ahead of you. Stockhausen says: "I guess you shouldn't bother investing then."
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Sometime after you finish watching the blockbuster Noah, which will seem like the best movie you've ever seen, you will be told you actually survived a massive stroke in the cinema parking lot. Stockhausen says: "Better that than actually watching that ridiculous piece of sh*t."
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Wendy Williams is going to come to your house and eat your childrens' kittens right in front of your entire family, in order to teach them a lesson about waste. Stockhausen says: "Seriously that lady has got to be stopped, at all costs."
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
After your grandfather dies this week, you will find evidence in his attic that proves he was a fugitive Nazi war criminal. Stockhausen says: "Now, aren't you happy he was never very proud of you?"
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Here's the deal: you going in for a colonoscopy, but you leave with a colostomy bag. Stockhausen says: "Turns out, what you don't know can kill you."
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
You are going to suffer the blessing of the stigmata, though it will manifest itself through you in the form of the most vicious and constant urinary tract infection. Stockhausen says: "Not to mention what this Jesus kick is going to do to your sheets."
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
All dogs go to heaven, except your dog--he's an A-hole. Stockhausen says: "Happy April Fools Everybody!"
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