Offbeat's weekly Horoscope, where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, temptatious Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-head Libra, sensuous Scorpio and skilled Sagittarius go to get the mostly timely and accurate astrological divinations.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
New opportunities for gainful employment will suddenly come your way and will look better to you than they did only a short time ago. Stockhausen says: "Yeah...because you're about to be fired butthole"
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Your dog won't make on your morning walks anymore, because he can feel you watching him do it. Stockhausen says: "How do you feel when he watches you do it?"
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Don't bother calling an exterminator. That sound in the walls isn't squirrels...it's the damn devil. Stockhausen says: "Red Rum"
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
If you keep dancing like that, you are going to get Parkinson's. Stockhausen says: "That's how Muhammad Ali got it."
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
Just because no one can tell why and when you're stalking their Facebook, doesn't mean what you're doing isn't wrong. Stockhausen says: "And it's going to ruin your keyboard, pervert."
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Do yourself a favor and keep those opinions about Russell Crowe to yourself. HR is starting to get a lot of complaints. Stockhausen says: "I guess Gladiator was pretty good, but thats more a testament to Ridley Scott more than anything else."
Leo: July 23 - August 22
A terrible storm will cause a tree to fall through your roof and crush you while you're sleeping...Unless you wake up just in time. Stockhausen says: "Maybe you should try to sleep under the bed."
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
It doesn't matter how much ginkgo biloba you take, you're still going to wind up as mad as a hatter, just like your grandpa. Stockhausen says: "Or was it your grandma?."
Libra: September 23 - October 22
You obsession with Dancing with the Stars is only going to bring you and your family a tremendous amount of pain and embarrassment. Stockhausen says: "Yes...but you'll know how to do the foxtrot."
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
You really should just stop shaving altogether. Do you really think people want to get a better look at that thing? Stockhausen says: "I sure as hell definitely do not."
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Heads up: When you get the server this week who tries to sell you the appetizers before you order, stay away from the sliders and don't you dare order a coffee from that pervert. Stockhausen says: "You won't believe what they put in my cobb salad."
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