Offbeat's weekly Horoscope, where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, temptatious Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-head Libra, sensuous Scorpio and skilled Sagittarius go to get the mostly timely and accurate astrological divinations.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Good news, you don't have stomach cancer; you just got drunk and forgot you swallowed your keys. Stockhausen says: "You're lucky they got stuck."
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
The person at work you have a crush on will start noticing you this week, because something about your face will start to remind them of someone they hate. Stockhausen says: "Maybe you should wear a mask."
Aries: March 21 - April 19
There's no business like show business, but any business is better than no business. So get off your parent's couch and go get a job--it is definitely time. Stockhausen says: "Maybe you can get into food and bev. Those people always need more monkeys."
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
This week while watching Housewives, that last truly good part of yourself will die, unnoticed.Stockhausen says: "Finally that s**t was starting to itch."
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
This week you will find out that your parents are really your grandparents, and you dad was a drunken drifter. But come Friday the traffic will be all green lights for you, so you're in luck. Stockhausen says: "Why in the hell else do you think the neighbors wouldn't talk to you."
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
If you're reading this it's probably already too late, but you knew not to hold the dryer that close to your face anyway. So really this thing is one you. Stockhausen says: "It's kind of hard to tell the burning from the scarring."
Leo: July 23 - August 22
In an attempt to repair his public image, Juan Pablo will personally apologize to you for his d-bag personality. Do NOT forgive him. Stockhausen says: "That dude deserves to die alone."
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Turns out the scientologists were right and Xenu is preparing for an invasion of earth. Adele Dazeem is the code to initiate the attack. Stockhausen says: "Damn you Travolta; first Battlefield Earth and now this."
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Your misplaced hopes and dream will all come true this week, only for someone else, who doesn't even want them. Stockhausen says: "Wow...maybe thats how it works for everyone."
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
YOu have got to stop smelling your fingers after you touch everything. Your co-workers are ready to file a formal complaint with HR. Stockhausen says: "They never taste how they smell anyways."
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
That clunking noise that you car is making sounds exactly like a mating cat that has Turrets. Stockhausen says: "Screw the oil change, this thing needs an exorcism."
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