Offbeat's weekly Horoscope, where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, temptatious Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-head Libra, sensuous Scorpio and skilled Sagittarius go to get the mostly timely and accurate astrological divinations.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
This is the week you get that raise, but you aren't going to like what you have to do to get it. Stockhausen says: "I can't even look at you."
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
The stars will align just the right way as to erase the True Detective finale from you DVR, and before you can catch the repeat, someone will spoil the ending for you. Stockhausen says: "Don Rickles is the Yellow King."
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Good news: you've caught a serious virus and soon you will be Jared Leto skinny. Stockhausen says: "Yeah but you know how that movie ends."
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
The McRib of your relationships past will re-enter your life, but you had better act fast, it's just for a limited time. Stockhausen says: "I haven't met my McRib yet."
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
You dog isn't just burying bones in your backyard, he's reassembling their bodies, piece by peice. Stockhausen says: "You're going to have a hell of a time explaining this to the neighbors."
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
The week you will get the worst haircut that anyone has ever had in the entire history of man and haircuts. Stockhausen says: "It looks good on you though...WOW."
Leo: July 23 - August 22
You don't know it yet, but the next dinner at your parents house, is going to be just like the Red Wedding...emotionally. Stockhausen says: "Maybe you should just spend Thanksgiving at the Huddle House."
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Even though he swears otherwise, Will Smith is trying to turn your kids into Scientologists. Stockhausen says: "Lord Xenu even produced his last movie."
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Your vacation plans to Vancouver will be canceled after Putin invades British Columbia. Stockhausen says: "He can say whatever he likes, everyone knows he's there for the bud."
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Your new shampoo is going to make your hair look better than Fabio's, but it will eat you brain to a Fabio-size.. Stockhausen says: "You will only know that you are beautiful."
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
If you want that CIA chip out you're going to need surgery, not a tin foil hat. Stockhausen says: "I know just the electrician to do it."
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