Offbeat's weekly Horoscope, where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, temptatious Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-head Libra, sensuous Scorpio and skilled Sagittarius go to get the mostly timely and accurate astrological divinations.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Guess what? The girl scout cookies you ordered from your co-worker's kid have finally arrived, but your Thin Mints will be no where in sight. Stockhausen says: "Looks like you gonna be eating Tag Alongs alone again, loser."
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
The sound you car is making is an interdimensional rip in the space time continuum that has accorded somewhere deep inside your tire well...and your tires need to be aligned. Stockhausen says: "You really have to get those things tuned-up every 70,000 miles."
Aries: March 21 - April 19
None or your Oscar predictions are going to come true, because you have terrible taste in movies and all forms of art. Stockhausen says: "Captain Phillips?...Come on!"
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Your cat isn't lying in the sun all-day because he is fat and happy; he is trying to bake himself with the solar radiation, so he can escape you and the prison you call an apartment. Stockhausen says: "Well, that does explain the smell."
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
When you watch Ellen you will think that you are laughing at her self-deprecating witticisms, but really she will be reading your mind. Stockhausen says: "That's how she always knows which window Portia is trying to escape out of."
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
All the hair that has been inching down your shower drain over the years has finally reformed in the bowels of your house and is ready to explode all over your life, like Pussy Riot in St. Peters. Stockhausen says: "That or you could just get a little drain cleaner."
Leo: July 23 - August 22
The reason you aren't sleeping well has nothing to do with your apnea, and everything to do with those odd thoughts about your mother's pumps. Stockhausen says: "I mean she never even wore those shoes, wouldn't they look better on you anyway."
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Your boss will call you into their office to tell you that they have thought it over and will be mentioning your hard work to the higher-ups, just before a mild stroke causes them to forget your very existence. Stockhausen says: "Use of gender neutral pronouns causes brain bleeds, just a warning. "
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Sometimes the milk seems to spore inexplicably quickly; that is because your fridge stands atop a secret ancient Aztec burial ground. Stockhausen says: "I know what you're thinking, but if they put it in Mexico it wouldn't have been secret"
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
You have already fulfilled your destiny, so you can relax. Stockhausen says: "Some people are destined to be Polio stricken ditch diggers; so don't complain. "
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
You should get that tattoo you thought about in college. Maybe it's time to enjoy that reckless abandon you never experimented with in school. Stockhausen says: "In that case, get it on your face."
© 2025 Classicalite All rights reserved. Do not reproduce without permission.
