Offbeat's weekly Horoscope, where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, temptatious Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-head Libra, sensuous Scorpio and skilled Sagittarius go to get the mostly timely and accurate astrological divinations.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
The DVR will inexplicably erase all of your Olympics coverage, as well as all of last seasons True Bloods. Stockhausen says: "Relax, the first week is all qualifying crap anyways."
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Those leftovers that you ate last week that were clearly questionable, are now growing inside you. Stockhausen says: "Think anti-tapeworm."
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Your mate was not happy with your Valentine and is quietly pondering exactly were they went wrong in life. Stockhausen says: "Spoilers: It was when they met you."
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Despite all your internet security and precautions, Shia LeBeof will steal your life story along with your social. Stockhausen says: "This is all that bastard Steven Spielberg's fault. "
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
You will have a fast food experience that will change your outlook on life and the cosmos, for better and worse. Stockhausen says: "You're loving it."
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Don't make fun of the IT guy this week. He has finally broken and is looking to take someone with him. Stockhausen says: "Yeah...don't even make eye contact with the lunatic."
Leo: July 23 - August 22
When you are pouring over your deepest, darkest sexual fantasies, god is watching you and no one else. Stockhausen says: "Give you two guesses what he's doing."
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
That sound your car makes in the morning before you go to work is actually the sound of your soul dying just a little tiny bit over and over again. Stockhausen says: "A tune-up is probably not going to fix that."
Libra: September 23 - October 22
It's time to throw the meds away. That CIA chip in your brain is going to have to come out before Obama's henchmen force you to eat your own family. Stockhausen says: "Don't worry your new HMO will cover it."
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Though you might have convinced yourself otherwise, you're not going to be able to scratch that rash away. Stockhausen says: "It looks like you made love to a field of poison ivy."
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
This is your week to win big. So sell everything, head to Vegas and put it all on black. I mean red. Stockhausen says: "Or was it black?"
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