Offbeat’s weekly Horoscope, where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, temptatious Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-head Libra, sensuous Scorpio, and the skilled Sagittarius go to get the mostly timely and accurate astrological divinations.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
You’re in luck. You will get get off early one day this week due to your office having to replace substandard smoke detectors. But when you get home, you will find your own house has burned down inexplicably. Stockhausen says: “How ironic...or is that happenstance? I always get those two confused.”
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Guess what! That itch is a polyp NOT a hemorrhoid, and you need to go to the doctor. Stockhausen says: “How did you get that confused? What all do you have going on back there?”
Aries: March 21 - April 19
This is the week that you will officially become too fat to comfortably walk your own dog. Stockhausen says: “Really...who’s exercising who here?”
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
You're kidding yourself with that spray tan, but you aren’t kidding anyone else. Stockhausen says: “Have you seen that children’s show about the annoying orange?”
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
Wonder why the cheap joint with the awesome sushi in your town closed down? Congratulations! You officially have America’s very first guinea worm Stockhausen says: “Look it up...you’re going to love it.”
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Believe it or not, that Nigerian businessman that contacted you via e-mail was the real deal, and you missed out on a legitimately lucrative business deal. Stockhausen says: “Yeah!...You shouldn’t be so judgemental..”
Leo: July 23 - August 22
In ways that won't be clear to you for quite some time, your and Kevin Jonas’ lives will start their inevitable descent on a catastrophic collision course. Stockhausen says: “It must have something to do with that baby.”
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Someone is stealing your identity at this very moment, but don’t worry the will put it back. Stockhausen
says: ”Seriously...you have got to do something about your credit.”
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Either you miscalculated that Super Bowl vig, or someone wrote the wrong numbers down. But your bookie is going to pissed this week. Stockhausen says: "I’m not good with percentages either.”
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Turns out all that fat free cheese your were eating is giving you a brain tumor. The upshot is heroin can fix it. Stockhausen says: “Just watch out for those silly side effects.”
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
You shouldn’t take your regular bus to work this week. Unless you are just over the whole thing, in which case you’re good. Stockhausen says: “Sometimes it’s best to just rest your eyes for a little bit.”
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