Offbeat’s weekly Horoscope, where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, temptatious Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-head Libra, sensuous Scorpio and skilled Sagittarius go to get the mostly timely and accurate astrological divinations.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Good news: If you made it through the arctic vortex alive, your skin is now hard as a diamond. Stockhausen says: “You are impervious to the white man’s bullets.”
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Your missing dog will finally find his way home after being lost for months, but be careful something strange has changed him. Stockhausen says: “How come he never barks?”
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Grandpa wakes up from his coma, only to be killed by the immediate shock of the hospital bill, but you’re in luck, that bad boy is all yours. Stockhausen says: “You have got to learn how to soften the blow.”
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Be careful in the supermarket, something terrible is going to happen there, most likely to you or because of you. So...just very careful. Stockhausen says: “You really aren’t safe anywhere.”
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
After months of tests and thousands of dollars spent, you will discover your cat has the first ever case of feline polio. Stockhausen says: “That is why he lays in the sun all day.”
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Amanda Knox will contact you through Facebook trying to raise money for legal support, but don’t give it to her, it's those NIgerian prince people. Stockhausen says: “Everyone on the internet are those people.”
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Your neighbors are going to ask you to become a member of the freedom party, but don't worry. Turns out it’s just a bowling league thing... Stockhausen says: “Thank god, everyone is so political nowadays...Obama!”
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
You will reach total enlightenment this week, but you won’t like it. It’s really not what you thought it was going to be. Stockhausen says: ”I like the band better.”
Libra: September 23 - October 22
While gleefully rubbing your teams Super Bowl win in your co-workers face via Cyrus-like twerk, your hip--along with your dignity--will explode. Stockhausen says: "At least, you went out like a Wrecking Ball.”
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
All your plumbing in your house is going to backup and flood your entire home. You would really have to describe it as less of a smell and more of a taste. Stockhausen says: “What do you call it when a house is totaled?”
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
The upside is you're going to be able to get that daring short haircut you always wanted. The downside is you are very sick. Stockhausen says: “Think less Demi Moore in Ghost and more Demi Moore in GI Jane.”
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