Offbeat’s weekly Horoscope, where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, temptatious Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-headed Libra, sensuous Scorpio, and skilled Sagittarius go to get the mostly timely and accurate astrological divinations.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Though you have saved for years, this month's power bill will leave you financially and emotionally bankrupt. Stockhausen says: “That polar vortex is messing up everybody.”
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
You will realize your car needs new brakes after careening through a stop sign and into a service vehicle. Stockhausen says: “You have to have tune-up every 70,000 miles, no exceptions.”
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Your dog didn’t run away--he has relocated, at great personal expense, because you are awful and he hates you. Stockhausen says: “Maybe, you should try fish for a pet.”
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
You will meet the person of your dreams. You will have the most beautiful evening of love and laughter so special you will not want it to end. And, they will give you Chlamydia. Stockhausen says: “You need to see a doctor about that.”
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
You will help an elderly lady across a busy downtown intersection, only to have her steal your youth. Stockhausen says: “Yeah, she’s always down their near Cannon and Spring.”
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Bachelor Juan Pablo will make passionate love to your animals, the whole time screaming “Too Pervert!” Stockhausen says: “Why did you rent that in the first place, pervert?”
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Your neighbors are going to move, and they're taking your kids with them. They will accidentally pack them in with the tools from the garage. Stockhausen says: “Don’t fight it...things are better for everyone this way.”
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
You will get approved for that bank loan, but you will build you new business on an Indian burial ground. Stockhausen says: ”Perhaps you can make servers out of the ghosts.”
Libra: September 23 - October 22
The award-winning Christmas tree with the lights and tinsel is going to catch fire in your living room. Stockhausen says: “You should have taken it out after New Years, lazy”
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
That stain lifting detergent stick you bought isn’t going to take the stain out of your sweater. Stockhausen says: “That won't work. Those things never work.”
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
You will gain the weight this week that will forever keep you from fitting back into your “skinny” jeans. Stockhausen says: “You fought a good fight but it’s over.”
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