Karlheinz Stockhausen's Weekly OffBeat Horoscope is where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, tempestuous Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-headed Libra, sensuous Scorpio and the skilled Sagittarius go to get the mostly timely and accurate astrological divinations.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
An opportunity to rekindle a past romance will present itself, but be careful. Lightning never strikes twice. Stockhausen says: “You’ve dumped them once already.”
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
After saving up for months for your dream vacation, you will have your money and identity stolen by a nefarious “Nigerian businessman.” Stockhausen says: “Staycation anyone?”
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Even though you always take it in for regular maintenance and tune up, your car will explode--for no reason at all. Stockhausen says: “Maybe, you should have used synthetic oil.”
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Do not go out Saturday night, no matter what. If you must go out, don’t do it alone. Stockhausen says: “You as good as dead already.”
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
You are going to have the best meal of your life this week, but it will lead to permanent paralysis brought on by your legendary IBS. Stockhausen says: “It will almost be worth it.”
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Your local Redbox will be temporarily out of order when you try to return Spring Breakers, and you will be forced to keep it for a second night. Stockhausen says: “Why did you rent that in the first place, pervert?”
Leo: July 23 - August 22
You dog isn’t really that tired. He is plotting. He wants to kill you. All your pets do. Stockhausen says: “A longer walk wouldn’t kill you. It might even save your life.”
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Don’t worry about your son’s failing grades. He is keeping a terrible secret. That’s what you should be worried about. Stockhausen says: ”Go through his things, while he’s at school. It’s for his own good.”
Libra: September 23 - October 22
When you go to return the lame Christmas gifts you received, you will run into the people that originally gave them to you. They will hate you. Stockhausen says: “You don’t like the waffle iron I gave you?”
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Your house is going to be suddenly swallowed by a sinkhole, instantly killing your pets and family. Stockhausen says: “Better them, than you.”
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
That moldy growth at the back of your refrigerator is going to start eating the other leftovers--trying to escape its chilly prison. Stockhausen says: “What is that a three bean burrito?”
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