Offbeat’s free weekly horoscope, where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, temptatious Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-head Libra, sensuous Scorpio and the skilled Sagittarius go to get the most timely and accurate astrological divinations, has just been released.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
You should be pleasantly surprised when your professional and romantic worlds collide. But be cautious not to be too zealous. Confucius says: “Never on first date.”
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
After investing time and money in a new pool, your entire county is going to ironically be flooded and ruin the filtration system. Confucius says: “You need all kinds of insurance.”
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Your boss will call you into the office to give you that much overdue promotion, only to awkwardly realize, that he has you confused with someone else. Confucius says: “TGIF!”
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Everyone you know is out to get you: your friends , your loved ones, you co-workers, everyone. It’s not paranoia. It’s a fact. Confucius says: “They already know you read this.”
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
You’re going to get the body you always wanted, by losing all the weight during a serious illness. Confucius says: “You need wash hands more.”
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Something inhuman and horrific is going to creep up from the local streams and aquifers to terrorize you, right in your own home. Confucius says: “You should move from West Virginia.”
Leo: July 23 - August 22
You are going to let you driver’s license expire, even though you are usually good about that sort of thing. Go figure. Confucius says: “You should have Siri remind you.”
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
No matter how hard you try, you will not beat that next level in Candy Crush. You should come to terms with this. Confucius says: ”Take break for an hour. Play word game”
Libra: September 23 - October 22
You will be late to work, when you try to change a flat on your car, only to discover the spare is also flat. Confucius says: “You really should have checked.”
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
The milk in your fridge will spoil a week before the date on the carton. And that will continue to happen from now to the rest of your life. Confucius says: “Maybe your house built on graveyard.”
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
After losing your life savings in a poker game, you will realize that you’re not wearing your lucky underwear, after all. They have the stain on the other side. Confucius says: “You need to throw out your old underwear.”
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