Offbeat is your place for the most accurate and timely weekly horoscopes.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Things are going to go your way soon. An opportunity is coming your way, just make sure you’re ready for it. Confucius says: “Maybe you no play today.”
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Get ready for a painful romantic twist. Your heart is not going to be your friend in the upcoming days ahead. Confucius says: “Have a beer; this not your year.”
Aries: March 21 - April 19
You will be confronted with something from you past in the new year, but don’t worry, just forget. Confucius says: “Today here; tomorrow no here.”
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Nothing you have done will matter in the face of your challenges to come. Prepare to brace yourself. Confucius says: “Put head through knees; kiss butt goodbye.”
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
You’re going to get the body you always wanted, by losing all the weight during a serious illness. Confucius says: “You need wash hands more.”
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
That thing that you lost recently...and haven’t been able to find...that thing will show up unexpectedly. Confucius says: “It inside jacket pocket, dummy”
Leo: July 23 - August 22
For the first time in your life, your risky behaviors will be rewarded without much consequence. Confucius says: “We no need water. Let the mutha’ burn.”
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
You will most likely be verbally assaulted in the grocery store check out line by an ill-willed lumberjack. Confucius says: ”You eat take-out this week.”
Libra: September 23 - October 22
After you finally finish your perfect masterpiece, it will be destroyed by a house fire, caused by your own negligence. Confucius says: “Maybe time you rent studio space.”
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
You will get everything you ever wanted out of life, but you will misplace every single bit of it. Confucius says: “Take ginkgo biloba. Good for bad brain.”
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Even though you keep exercising every morning, you will continue to pack on the pounds. Confucius says: “It called DIET and exercise for reason.”
Capricorn: Dec 22 - Jan 19
Don’t worry about regifting those terrible clothes. No one wants them, no one. Confucius says: “It okay. You done enough.”
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